Dear America, Please Invade Britain
We know you're busy, but consider this modest proposal.
Dear America,
I write today on behalf of a small and bewildered country in the North Atlantic which, until recently, answered to the name Great Britain. You might recall that the people of these islands invented parliamentary democracy and gave the world the Industrial Revolution. We were long famed for standing agreeably in queues and talking politely about the weather. Many of us still consider these achievements evidence of civilisation.
It is, then, with a heavy heart that we require your immediate assistance in a very grave matter. Our country is in peril, governed as we are by technocrats determined to ruin the nation they inherited.
Accordingly, I ask you to invade.
Before you object that such things are normally reserved for oil states and clerical fascists, allow me to outline the present situation. Britain today is run by a strange cohort of people who have been educated to think that their own country is uniquely awful, its history unforgivable, and its traditions contemptible. They consider free speech dangerous and observable reality a matter of interpretation. They treat ordinary common sense like a biohazard.
The country of Shakespeare and the Magna Carta has lost its way. We’re not the same people who sent you taxes, then soldiers, then apologies, and eventually a steady stream of television actors. We are not quite unrecognisable yet, but the people who lead us are. The country that stood alone against fascism is run by people who think the man who led that effort was the real problem.
It started with Tony Blair – promising to carry us from a more-than-tolerable postwar settlement into a new century of “progress” and a plan to make that transition permanent. First under his watch and then under his apprentices, our institutions deformed from the inside, supervised by PR people first, politicians second, patriots never. A new order emerged, characterised by utter contempt for the nation that gave them birth, and a positive genius for the administrative management of decline.
They ran as different parties, naturally. Labour first, then Conservative, now Labour again. Not a liberal or a conservative or a democrat among them. Not working-class Labour either – a respectable tradition in its way.
We threw out one party and elected another. For a brief moment – Brexit, you might recall – it felt like the public will meant something. It didn’t. We had merely swapped one dinner party cohort for another. The guests became the hosts, then the guests again. The same dinner party continued. We were not invited.
Just this week, we learn that our banknotes will be redesigned on the grounds that historical figures are “polarising”. Churchill out, badgers in. Or is it beavers? We can be sure it won’t be dogs.
Labour councils have advised teachers that children’s drawings may constitute blasphemy under Islamic law. Female genital mutilation, we are told by our esteemed academics, is “culturally complex”; stigmatising it is the problem. Just recent examples. We have been wallowing in this humiliating cultural pigsty for twenty-five years.
For two decades, gangs of men raped thousands of girls in the towns of northern England. The authorities declined to intervene on the grounds that intervening might appear culturally insensitive. They put tact before the rape of children.
Last weekend, on the south bank of the Thames, crowds gathered to mourn Ayatollah Khamenei – a man whose militias were still killing their own people two months ago – with children waving placards bearing his face. A journalist who objected was surrounded by a mob and escorted away by police.
In London, this scarcely counts as unusual. You may think the mayor of New York is an eccentric choice for a city twenty-five years after 9/11. But we have Sadiq Khan – someone who’s spent a decade turning London into a city where you can be stabbed on the way to a vigil for the people who want to stab you, and still win re-election.
So, dear America, invade. Bring your boats and your helicopters, rain down missiles if you must. Smash through the diversity barriers with tanks, level the BBC and salt the earth.
At this rate, Britain will become the first country to erase itself in the name of progress. A country that gave the world Jane Austen will likely replace her on the ten-pound note with a fucking otter.
Invade, dear America. Rid us of the progressive aristocracy and return this country to its people. Do it for old times’ sake.
And when it’s all done, we’ll send you some tea – no taxes this time.
Yours faithfully,
The proud but exhausted people of Great Britain
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Of course, America has its own problems with this – some of which it exported to the UK. But it’s still, for all its faults, our best hope for freedom in a dangerous world, and it has the First Amendment. I believe in you.
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Here’s to free and open societies.
Sadly, we have our own house to get in order; the Democrats and more than a few RINOs are going down the same destructive path! However, believe you me, we get it! Too many have fallen into the Slough of Despond. (See, for now at least, we are still reading John Bunyan)